observershikou | (no subject)

Current Mood: complacent

(no subject)

Well, I feel much more content now. My back may hurt from sleeping against a wall, but... At least Miss Sparrow finally realized what was happening.

As for that... Other problem... Mng. I'm probably going to have to ask them to schedule me for a session at the end of the school year.

I'm sure I can at least last that long, without the temptation showing itself again in a way that I can't stand it.

...I'm sure of it.

...It doesn't help that it feels like I'm starving now... Their words really did affect me. I didn't want them to, but... A part of me wanted to keep listening, and to give in... Now I can't help but imagine just how well Yamashita might have tasted, had I given in.

...I'm still glad that I didn't, though. I don't want to be taken away from this place. I'll... I'll just need to make sure that their words don't affect me as much, anymore.

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You would think... but then, I freeze things and Souha shoots fire. Those are considered 'impossible' too, aren't they?

They separated the two sides of Souha, I think. Sounds like something they could do with you.

....Right. Probably, but... Mn.

...I... I don't think I'd want that to happen. If not for the fact that it would feel somewhat wrong, being half a person, we'd also have a monster running around, or I'm going to have to witness a part of myself being restrained.

...Isn't that what you're doing anyway? And is the 'cannibal' part really half of who you are?

...Of course it is. It's how I was born. I can't really ignore the way I was born... Just try to hide it.

...so you'd rather be locked up than lose that part of you, which you're always having to hide...

It's a bit odd, isn't it?

I just don't understand. You could be a very good thing for this island, but you want to cling to something which could destroy your life.

That's because it's a part of me... While it is a horrible part, it's something I've lived with for my entire life.

Without it, I'd be... Incomplete.

...I really don't get it.

Think of it as, without being complete, I wouldn't really be "Samasu Shikou" anymore. Because I'll be missing a large part of myself, that makes me who I am.

But you're always hiding it. How can that really be called a 'large part' of yourself?

I mean, if it was just the urges that went away, you'd still be you, wouldn't you? It's not like you wouldn't remember having those urges.

...Because it is. It only doesn't seem that way, because of how well I do hide it... However, that part of me just tends to be below the surface, usually out of reach... Even then, if it was a small part, I still wouldn't want to lose anything about myself.

...Of course. And usually, those urges are gone. It's a bit difficult to make them stay away again, now that they've been forcefully pulled up the surface.

So why don't you want the urges gone, but forever? To never feel that sort of temptation? Not like Souha, who can't seem to remember things... ~~Hopefully... I don't know how it works.~~

...I guess I'm just too used to them, Miss Theresa. It honestly doesn't make sense, but... For some reason, I dread the idea of losing a part of myself.

...

...

I don't expect you to understand. I don't expect myself to understand... But it's how I feel.

I really don't want to lose a Samasu because of something like that... but I don't have a choice, do I?

...You won't lose a Samasu, because of this, Miss Theresa.

Someone like a Samasu can't really be lost.

...

...

I'm sorry.

So am I, Shikou.

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